From the course: Fred Kofman on Accountability

Acceptable responses to requests

From the course: Fred Kofman on Accountability

Acceptable responses to requests

- If you make a well formed request, you will immediately see the other person flinch. There's always like an, oh. Why? Because when you ask like this, if the person says yes, now they will be accountable. It's like signing a contract you know, your hand shakes a little bit, it's like, well can I really do this? Because if I don't, well I'm liable. I'm committing, and by committing, I'm creating a liability for myself, because now I have to deliver. So the natural inclination of everybody, I mean all of us, we have this temptation to not be clear in our answer. Like, well let me see what I can do, or I'll try, or let me talk to someone, or I'll get back to you. I mean, they're all those, I call them weasel answers. Why? Because they look like a commitment, but the truth is they're not, because if I say, I'll see if someone can take care of that, you may say, okay you don't want to push it because I gave you a sort of yes, but I didn't give you any yes, because if I don't do it, and you say well Fred, you said you were going to look for someone. Yeah, you know, I'm still looking, but people haven't gotten back to me, essentially you have nothing. So if you want other people to make a commitment, there's only a limited set of responses to your request that you can accept. Anything else is not clear, and anything else is like an invalid move if we were playing chess. There's only five allowable moves after you make a request, and you have to be very careful that the other person doesn't make an illegitimate move, because any illegitimate moves, like the ones I described, are going to destroy the clarity and the probability of achieving what you set out to achieve. So let's see what these five moves are. The first one is the one we all want, which is yes, I promise. Like clean, yes, I promise to do X by Y. No problem. You're unlikely to receive that most of the time, but some people, especially if they see this video, they might respond very clearly, yes I promise to do X by Y, and then you can relax, you have as strong a commitment as you can get. There's another not so pleasant, but still very clear answer, and equally definitive, it's no, I will not commit to do that. That is not something I can commit to doing. Now after a person tells you no, they might say, I'll try, like I can't promise to do this, but I am not promising that I would not do it. I'm simply unwilling to promise and create a liability for myself because I don't think that the odds are very good. I might be able to do it, but I can't in good faith promise that I'll get it done. Now notice that what most people do is combine these two things to hedge, and they'll say, yes, I'll try. And that's crazy, because I'll try comes after no. I'll try means I don't promise, but I will try. So don't hold me accountable, but if I can, I might deliver this to you. When someone says yes, the only thing that follows a yes is I promise. So be very worried when someone says, yeah, I'll try, because what they're doing is they're hedging. They are not telling you yes, they're saying no, but they're saying no through a yes. And you have to stop that, or you'll get in a lot of trouble and when the other person doesn't deliver, you will not be able to hold them accountable. To hold someone accountable, you need a good promise. So yes, I promise. No, I cannot commit. Those are the only two definitive answers. Now there are some intermediate answers, I said there are three more intermediate answers, that are acceptable as part of the conversation. They don't finish the conversation, but they move it forward so to speak, to get to a yes or a no. One is I need clarification, I don't understand. So the other person may not be sure of what you're asking, or what the implications are by when you want something. So that's very reasonable, and then you clarify, you discuss that, and then it's either yes or no. Another can be, well I cannot give you a commitment yet, because I need to check, either with other people, or check my resources, or see if I have the knowledge to deliver this to you, but I'll get back to you. Now the most important thing to maintain the conversation on track is I'll get back to you by a certain time. If you allow someone say, let me get back to you. When? Remember, a commitment is clarity. Who promises to do what by when? And this is an intermediate promise, 'cause the person is telling you, I promise to get back to you, but if they don't say when, you're going to be there sitting and saying, well can I call? I mean is a week too long? And you call a week, well I told you I was going to get back to you. You're like oh sorry, I didn't want to bother you. So then you're in this awkward position where you're either too pushy, but on the other hand, you need it, but you don't know when. If the person says I'll get back to you next Monday, and now it's Tuesday, well you can call them and say, you said you were going to get back to me on Monday. Well, you know I am trying, then we'll see how you hold the person accountable, but you can hold them accountable to Monday. You're not pushy, you're simply following their word, and that gives you a lot of more authority to demand the the fulfillment of a commitment. But if you accept I'll get back to you, you know, you're always going to be in this uncomfortable position of having to bother the other person, and perhaps weak in your demand when the person tells you, I'm working on it because you never got a date. The next is the counter offer. So we said the intermediate ones can be please clarify, I'll get back to you by a certain time, or I am not willing to commit to what you asked exactly, but I can do something that is close, and pursues the same purpose. So for example, I can't meet to you 'til six, I have to leave at five, but I can be there by two. So will two to five work for you? That's a counter offer, and it keeps the conversation on track in a very concrete manner, because if you can do it from two to five, then say yes, now we have a deal, and the commitment is they will be there from two to five. If it doesn't work for you, then you say, well then I'll do it from three to five, or we'll do it some other day, or in the morning, but you keep the conversation in a very grounded way, and if you lose the track, then you can always come back and say, okay let's go back, what's your offer? What are you proposing? The person says, well you know I can't do three to six, but I'm very committed to helping you. Now they just went from very concrete to very abstract, and you need to bring them back. Thank you, I appreciate your willingness to help me, what do you propose we do? When are we going to meet? And then you bring the conversation on track. So in summary, after you make a request, there are only two ways this conversation will end, yes, I promise, or no, I don't commit. And there are three intermediate possibilities. Before I say yes or no, I need to understand your request better, I need some help or check with other people before I can give you a definitive answer, or I don't feel it would be good for me to commit to what you asked, but I can do something alternative that hopefully serves your purpose, and then you get to say yes or no, and you close the conversation.

Contents