From the course: Fred Kofman on Making Commitments

Coaching session, part 3: Fred and Eric

From the course: Fred Kofman on Making Commitments

Coaching session, part 3: Fred and Eric

- What do you notice? What's the difference between the previous conversation-- - Yeah. - Where you were Eric and I was Daniel, and then we switched roles. What do you see? - I think a lot of emotions came up for me, and it's, the obvious thing is it's a much more explicit thing, it actually makes it so that, you know, Daniel has to make a real commitment to make it happen. And it wasn't in any sort of insulting way, like you weren't, you weren't criticizing me or anything like that, you were just being very clear with the commitment. That struck me. I think, it did actually, it's funny it made me think about some of the excuses that I sometimes make, but I couldn't make those excuses anymore (laughs). Yeah. - Thank you. I mean this is the interesting thing. When you speak about good ideas, it's abstract, so it's relaxing, because it has no friction. - [Eric] Right. - But then it doesn't manifest. - [Eric] Yeah. - And when I say, when I said, - [Eric] Wow. Daniel I asked you to X by Y, so I ask you to allocate 10 hours for five Fridays. It's very broad, but then in the 10 hours we'll do whatever we need to do, but it's like, allocate the time. Now it's like, whoa that's very clear. It's hard to wiggle yourself out of that. If you say yes-- - Right. - Well 10 hours start at eight and finish at six. - Yeah. - That's it. As opposed to well, you know, let's try to meet on Fridays and see what we can do, that's not a commitment. - Right. - That's a statement of an intention. - Right. - But a commitment is, I asked you to X by Y and then you said well, you know, maybe. Maybe means no. - [Eric] Yeah. - At the end it's either yes, I promise, or no I don't commit. - Right. - Now you could say something in the middle like, gimme a week and I'll think, or you counter-offered, because what you said is I don't want to commit now, but I'm willing to do it after mid-February. - Yep. - [Fred] And I accepted your counter-offer so that's a little bit of a negotiation. - But you still at that point didn't let me use that as an excuse you were like okay... - [Fred] No but I took your words literally. - Yeah. - So you said mid February, so okay third Friday of February, - [Eric] Right, right, right. - It's again a concrete day. It's not that well, let's talk in mid February and see. No we don't in mid February, we put the calendar date, the third Friday in February, and then for five, I mean that's the Friday number one, and four more Fridays, 10 hours every Friday we put that. Is that acceptable to you. And I came back. - Yeah. - [Fred] It really is like writing a contract. - Yeah. - At the moment you said, "okay let's put that there". Now, now we're serious. (chuckling) - You see it's very simple, - It's great yeah. - But I like how you reflected upon yourself of the emotional implication of even something so simple. - [Eric] Right. - That starts bringing up like, ooh now I can't lie to myself anymore, I can't pretend like I'm really committing when I'm not, - Yeah. - which is what so many of us do with the statement of a good intention, oh it would be so nice to... - Yeah. It's interesting 'cause it's, you probably nailed like a weak spot that I have and I think, I'm really bad actually at doing what you just did. I think I don't like not being liked you know. (Eric chuckling) - First, first that's fantastic. First is, you and every other human being on earth. So it's not that you're bad, I'm bad too. This raises the question, it seems so simple to do. - Yeah. - Why don't we do it. And it's because we all want to be liked and making a request in this form creates stress because the other person now has to say yes, no, why are you pushing me or something. So we have this illusion that by being so clear we create a awkwardness, and maybe they won't like us or maybe the other person will get upset with me, and I feel the same so I'm not saying this to you like I have it figured out. I know how to do the diet, that doesn't mean I always do it. I know this is the right way but. It is exactly this emotional constraint or the fear that the other person will get upset that prevents us from being clear in the request. I think it's much more conducive to tell the other person, "if you don't want to do it, it's totally okay." - Right. - But then let's be clear that you don't want to do it. As opposed to let's pretend we want to do it, when the truth is we don't want to do it, and we are fooling ourselves. - Yeah. - That's creating this cloud for us to hide from the reality. - [Eric] Yep. - I want to be clear, I'm not suggesting you push your partner into doing something he doesn't want. - Exactly yeah. - So for me the kindness is I'm asking clearly, and I'm giving you full optionality to say no. And if you say no, I'm not going to get upset, we'll discuss, or if you re-negotiate I'll accept the re-negotiation. So this is not imposing on the other person. - Yeah. - It's really honoring your free will to say you have to choose to do it. - [Eric] Yeah. - But I'm going to make a clear request, because I would like to do it, and I'd like you to do it with me, so in proposing we commit to doing it together. Is that acceptable to you. - Yep. - Notice that's the great part is, here's what I like, this is what I'm asking you, and then I'm stretching my hand out and saying, "Is that acceptable, are you okay doing this? Would you like to commit to this." So I call that the handshake. And if you say yes, then we have a deal. If you say I'm not ready yet, will you be ready in the future, you say, "I don't know, I'd like to leave it there", that's a possibility, which means I don't want to commit yet that would be okay. But if you say, "Now is crazy, but February I'm willing to do it." Now we have a deal. I say, "Yes I'm okay with that let's wait 'til February and do it." - Yep. - So you see it is a very honorable way to deal with one another in clarity, but it's not standard because we are... I don't know it's like fear of clarity. - [Eric] Yeah. - Because there's no place to hide. - Right. (laughing) It's almost like this weird thing of almost being afraid of putting the other person in a position where they're going to let us down and feel embarrassed. - Totally. Exactly that. Because I am afraid the other person will put me in that position, because when someone asks me, and the truth is I want to say no, sometimes I say yes. - [Eric] Yeah (laughing). - Because I'm embarrassed or I don't want to let them down. - Right. - And then I get upset because they asked. Instead of being responsible that I said yes when I wanted to say no, I get angry, it's like why do they ask, they should know I don't want to do it. They shouldn't ask me - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because now they put me on the spot, and they made me say no. You see this is the total victim mentality. Instead of taking responsibility and say, "hey no, I failed to tell the truth, and I failed to say no, and I'm scared, and I didn't have the courage to tell my truth." Instead of looking in the mirror and saying, "there are some things that I am not brave enough to do yet, and I need to learn how to be myself, and exercise my will in the world in a respectful manner, but not betraying myself." Instead of all that I blame you. Like why are you asking me something I don't want to do. You shouldn't ask me. (laughing) You know I don't want to do it. And then we create this Hollywood dynamics between people, because I don't want to ask you anything because maybe you don't want to do it, but you won't tell me and then you'll get upset. - Yeah. - You don't want to ask me, and then we're walking on egg shells around each other instead of having just a clean conversation, Do you want to do it? Yes. Okay let's committ. No. Okay let's not commit. - Yeah. - That's great. It's really amazing how something that it's apparently so simple. - It is. - Like making a request, and saying yes or no and making a commitment can open up all these fields of emotion and human relationships. - Yeah. - So will you talk to your partner? - Yeah. I will, I will. - I'd love to know. - I will. I'll let you know how it goes. - Okay. I would really like to know how it goes. Thank you very much. - Thank you Fred. It's great.

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