How to make clear requests

- So, how do you get a commitment from someone else? You have to ask. That doesn't mean they'll say yes, and I'm not going to explain to you how to get a yes, that's a different program. Here, what I want is clarity. What I would like you to be able to achieve is crystal clarity about who promises to do what and by when. Now then if the other person says no, well then you're clear. They will not do what you asked them to do, and then you can decided what's your next move. But, what's very pernicious, what's really distructive of corporation, effectiveness and reliability is when people are not clear. It's like well, kind of yes, maybe yes, maybe not. You kind of got a commitment, but you're not sure. It reminds me of the Karate Kid scene, where Mr. Miyagi's sitting with Daniel, the kid, and he says Karate is like frog on the road. One side okay, the other side okay, in the middle. (squash sound) And, commitments are a little bit like that. Commitment, yes, okay. Commitment, no, okay. Commitment, so so, it's... (squash sound) You just don't know what's going to happen, and that is the worst possible thing that can happen at the end of a conversation because you will not be able to plan, and you will not be able to achieve what you want to do. So, how do you ask? To be clear, I suggest a three part request. And, the request starts with a summary of the previous conversation. And, the summary, simply, in order to dot, dot, dot. So, the stem of the sentence is in order to, and then you fill in the blank with whatever you've been discussing. So, for example, in order to prepare the report for senior management... That's the beginning because you're getting the context of what is the ultimate goal of the request. And, these contexts can be broad. It's a broad understanding of the purpose of the conversation. But, it's so broad that even though it orients people in a certain direction, it doesn't really define what the goal is. It's like a broad purpose, but we need to narrow it down, in order to prepare the report for senior management, And, then comes the second part. I ask that you meet with me tomorrow from three to six p.m., in a certain building. Now, this second part is much smaller. You see, the goal of the second part is to go from the broad purpose to a very narrow request for action. I ask that you do X by Y. That's the principle. Where X and Y are observable, they're clearly defined. You know, it's never going to be perfect, but notice the difference. Asking you to meet me from three to six p.m., in a certain office, it's a lot narrower than help me prepare the report for senior management. That can mean anything. There's a thousand things that you could do to help prepare that report, but being present from three to six, in this particular office, is clearly observable. And, very importantly we can both tell whether you were there from three to six, or not. So, if you don't show up, at four, I can call you and say, hey, you promised you were going to by three. Now, if we just agree that you would help me prepare the report for senior management, I can call you at four and say, hey, you said you were going to prepare with me, or help me prepare the report for senior management, and you say, well I will. And, you know, there's just no traction because it's so squishy that there's no way to grab this commitment and say, okay, it's either getting done, or it's not getting done. It's not, in technical terms, it's not contractable. It's not a contractable event, as opposed to I will be in a certain place, at a certain time. That's a contractable event. So, we start broad, the purpose, in order to, then we narrow it to a specific action. I ask that you do X by Y, or you deliver X by Y. And, notice that I'm using the active term, I ask. I'm not telling you, well if you can, will you be able to, if you wouldn't mind. I mean that language, those words, are okay, as social graces, but they are not very clear. They are not, because if I ask you try then you know, I call you at four and you say, well I'm trying. I'm trying to get rid of these people that are in my office. I'm finishing up some things, and as soon I finish this, I'll try to be there, as soon as I can. And, when can you demand that the person do it? You have nothing to hold on to, as opposed to three to five, or three to six, in this particular office. You're not here, I'll call you. What are you going to do about that? So, broad purpose, very concrete request. I ask you to do that. And, then comes the handshake. The last part is, are you okay with that, are you willing to commit with that? You see the fact that I asked doesn't mean that you're going to do it. You're not committed because I asked you. It's terrible to tell someone, well you didn't do what I asked you do. That's kind of patronizing. You know there's an underlying assumption, you're supposed to do what I asked you to do, which is, at least, enraging to me. I'm not a slave, I'm not here to do whatever you ask me to do. Now, if I give you my word, I am bound by my word, not by your request. And, if someone gives you their word, they will be bound by their promise. So, you need to elicit the promise. And, the way to do it, is to finish the request with a handshake. Are you okay with that? Can you commit to that? Can, you do it? Are you willing promise? Just something along those lines. The language is not so important. What matters is the gesture of asking the question and inviting the other person to say, yes, I promise. That's what you want to get. You want to get yes, I promise, or no, I cannot promise to do that, and then maybe a negotiation afterwards. But, what you don't want to say, so please, I would like you to come to my office tomorrow from three to six, thank you. And, then you finish the meeting with that. You got nothing. So, purpose, in order to, I ask you to do X by Y, can you commit to that.