How to make an effective apology

- The moment your tracking mechanism alerts you that there's a problem, something unexpected, that has material impact on your ability to deliver. Of course, there's lots of things that are unexpected, but they don't matter. Now, let's just say something that matters comes up. Well, you have to call your creditor, and that's why you need to prepare to have a mechanism to call your creditor. So, for example, whenever I schedule a meeting with someone, I want to have their phone number, and I want them to have mine. Why? 'Cause something could happen in the last 10 minutes. So I want them to be able to call me and say, look I'm stuck in traffic or something happened, and I want to be able to do the same. So, you have that mechanism, and then you have call your creditor, you made a promise, call your creditor. So let's just say, I have to call you because I promised that I would meet you, and something came up. Now, the closer I call you to the time of the meeting, the worst, because there's a higher cost. Like if you're already in the place where I'm going to meet, it's different than if the meeting was for tomorrow, but if the meeting is for tomorrow, and you already said no to another things, that's some expense that we wouldn't have if I called you a week before, before you've made, you know, any big changes in your schedule, and so on. So, the earlier I can call you the better. So I will call you, and I say, look I'm really sorry, I have to apologize 'cause I made a promise that we were going to meet, and I got a phone call from an urgent matter at work, a phone call from my boss describing an urgent matter at work that I feel I need to take care of. So I'd like to apologize and ask you, what consequences would have for you if we reschedule our meeting for some other day, and if it's a serious consequence, I'd like to clean up the mess, I'd like to see what can I do to minimize the consequence. Just take a second and feel, how would you respond to that kind of message? Now of course, there's some bitterness, it's like, oh, well I was hoping that we would see each other, hopefully you want to see me, that's why you asked to see me, but you would appreciate that I didn't just let you down. What is it that I did to maintain the trust and the integrity in the face of a task breakdown? Because we had a task, which was to meet, and that is not going to happen, at least not according to the plan that we had both made. But there are other things that I did that would allow us to stay connected, stay in sync, and stay trusting one another, and perhaps even trust each other more than before. First, I called you. Second, I apologize, I honor, I accepted that I had made a commitment to you, and I was letting you down. I'm not trying to hide that, I'm not trying to give you excuses, no justification. This is a fact. Then I explain to you, not justify myself, but just explain to you what happened. And I explain to you what happened just a few minutes ago, I just got a phone call from, it wasn't like, oh well you know, two weeks ago, my boss asked me to do that, and I just didn't want to call you, because I was trying to renew. That destroys trust. 'Cause you could ask me, Fred, why didn't you call me before? I mean, you knew two weeks ago that you had to do this big piece of work, and that you couldn't meet with me, and you left me hanging, and I said no to a whole bunch of people that wanted me to do other things, because I was saving the time, and now, you know, you're not here. I cannot tell you how many times I've had video conferences, phone meetings, or even in-person meetings, and I get a text five minutes later saying, sorry I can't make it. And I'm like, what?! Now you tell me you can't make it? Something like that happened just last week. I had a video conference, and I'm sitting there in the video conference, and I get a text from a person from another country saying, actually it was even from the assistant saying, you know, so and so can't make it. He asked me to please express his apologies. I'm like, you're crazy! I mean, this is seriously expensive, and there was no explanation, he can't make it. I don't have a high level of trust that I can work well with this person from now on. I mean, I'm going to raise it when I see this person, but there's trust broken. And it wasn't because he didn't come to the meeting, it's because he let me know too late, without an explanation, and he didn't even do it personally, and that happened last week, and he even didn't call me afterwards. I mean, maybe in the moment, could have been the assistant, but then, he didn't call me two hours afterwards to apologize. So, don't do that. If you are going to break a commitment, call the other person yourself or let them know yourself. Explain what happened. And explain what happened in a way that the other person can't ask you, why didn't you call me before? Because it has to be something that was out of the plan that you didn't know when you made the commitment, and it's something that you just discovered. So the other person has to say or has to think, you know, that could have happened to me, and it's understandable. So for example, if you call late to a meeting, oh traffic is terrible, and traffic is always terrible, that doesn't count. Now if there was an accident, and I say, well look I'm stuck because a truck just turned over, and the freeway's closed. Okay, and it just happened, and you're calling, that could happen to anyone, the other people would say, okay, too bad, and maybe you say, how can I make it up? What can we do? Can I participate in the meeting by phone, or can we use, you know, the video link, and I can be in the meeting, but because it's going to take me a half an hour to get there. Now that's an act of integrity. And even though you're not in the meeting physically, you can still participate in the meeting, and you can preserve the relationship of trust. So the last thing, I mentioned this a couple times, is that after you explain, you inquire about the consequences to the other person. You don't assume you know. I taught this to my kids, and when I taught this to my kids they say, but dad, no, you don't want to, I mean you're, if you ask them they'll tell you how bad it was, and then, you know, you're indebted. I say, yeah well, but this is not to minimize your debt, you are in debt, because you made a promise, and you know, they have a right to ask you for compensation, and you're asking how did I do something that created trouble for you, because I'd like to fix it, I'd like to minimize the consequences. So, it's counterintuitive, because you feel sheepish, and you don't want to, kind of, you know, rub salt in the wound, and then tell the person, you know, I know I hurt you, I'd like to know how and what I can do now, and so on. It puts you in a weak negotiating position if what you're trying is to minimize your effort, but that's not the goal. The goal is not to minimize your effort, but to maximize your trustworthiness. And you maximize how trustworthy you are, by inquiring the consequences for the other person. And then the last step is minimizing them. What can I do? What can we do? What would help you now? And you finish with another commitment. So you make a recommitment or you make another promise to take care of your creditor in the face of the breakdown that you just create.