From the course: Developing Your Emotional Intelligence (2017)

Connecting with empathy

- Do you have the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand what they may be thinking or feeling? The ability to empathize with others is a key predictor of emotional intelligence. Empathizing provides you with a thorough understanding of the other person and helps to build strong relationships and better connections. Ultimately, empathy is the ability to sense other people's emotions whilst also being able to imagine what someone else may be thinking or feeling. It's a skill that you can learn to develop. The first thing you'll want to do is ask the other person questions to find out more about what they're experiencing and how they feel about the situation and the impact it's having on them. If you don't have the opportunity to ask questions, you can also take a step back and imagine the possibilities of how someone may think and feel. You don't necessarily have to be able to identify exactly with the other person. You don't need to have had the exact same experience to imagine what the situation may be like for them. You just need to take what you know about that person and their circumstance and imagine how they would feel, react, behave, and think about the situation. Of course, you don't want to necessarily assume you know exactly what a situation is like for someone else, as that can actually be counterproductive. This might alienate the other person if your assumptions are incorrect. It's key to remember, when empathizing, you're not looking for the right answer, as only the other person knows exactly how they think and how they feel. Another tip when displaying your empathy is not to agree with everything the other person says, constantly finding examples when you've faced the exact same challenges or situations. Although we generally behave like this with the best intentions, as we want the other person to know we understand what they're experiencing, it can actually be irritating for the other person if we always have an example that brings the conversation back to us. The key here is balance. Ask questions, find out more, ask people how they feel, how they interpret the situation, and why they think and feel as they do. You can also offer support and understanding by using phrases such as I imagine that could make you feel or I suppose that situation could make you think. Note here, I haven't used definite statements such as it does or doesn't make you feel a certain way. The reason for this is you want the other person to know you understand how they feel, but you don't want them to think you know exactly what the situation is for them. So use tentative, exploratory language and words such as could, possibly, maybe. Don't get too hung up on the exact language here. Just remember two principles. One, ask questions to find out more. Two, offer support and understanding without assuming you have the answers or knowledge the other person requires. Overall, the benefit of empathizing is you get a better insight into how someone else is thinking and feeling, and it gives you the opportunity to build better relationships. Ultimately, most people want to be understood, and they want to make connections, whether that be in their work or personal life.

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