Understand their position

- So we've got a really clear objective, and we've built up a relationship with the person to the point where they like us. We are now able to go to stage three of the influencing process, which is to find out what their position is. Now, they're probably not going to tell us what their position is, unless they like us. So that's why we have to do the liking, before we start to probe into what their position is. There's a really great book called "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". I expect you've already read it. If you haven't, you must. And in the seven habits, Stephen Covey says, "Seek to understand before seeking to be understood." So the idea is to understand the other person first, before you then say, "Well, this is what I think." Because the way you phrase what you think, is going to depend on what their view is, we have to know what's in their head first. So that's what this step is about, really, it's about understanding their position. It actually divides into two parts, because first, we want to know what their position is, but then we want to know what it would take for them to change their position. So if you take, for example, a smoker, suppose our objective is to persuade somebody to give up smoking, which might be for our own good, 'cause we might not want to live with them in a smoky house, or go out with them in the evenings and have to smell their smoke, but it might also be for their own good, we might be trying to help them to give up. But the question is, how would you persuade someone to give up smoking? And it's all about understanding what's in their head of why do they smoke? Why do they like smoking? And also, why haven't they given up? So imagine if I said to you, "You should give up smoking, it's a filthy habit, and it costs you money and you're probably die." What are you going to be thinking? And you're going to be thinking? "Well, you know, it's none of your business and I don't think it's that filthy, and I'm probably not going to die." And you'll be resisting everything I say. So it's much more powerful if I can say to you, "Have you ever thought about giving up smoking?" And then when you say, "Well, yeah, occasionally." I could then ask you, "When you thought about giving up, what was it that made you want to give up?" And at that point, you're going to tell me what's in your mind. And you're going to say, "Well, I wanted to save money." Or "I'm worried about my health in the short term." Or "I'm worried about my longer term life expectancy." Or you might say, "Well, I just worry, it's anti social." So I can then discover some really useful information, 'cause I can find what it is that will make you give up. I was probably pointing out the wrong thing when I said to you, it's too expensive, 'cause you probably didn't care about the money. But by a bit of questioning, I can find out what it is that will make you change your behavior. So understanding your position is absolutely vital. So it's all in the questioning. And the question is to ask them about their position, ask them why they do it like that, and then ask them, "How do you know that that is the best way? If there was a better way, would you like to see it?" So quite often, people have very strong opinions, and they're sure that they're right. And I'll admit to this, there are lots of things that I have definite opinions on, everything from cars to countries to visit, you know, India is the best country in the world to go on holiday. I'm convinced I'm right about that. But if somebody said, you know, "Have you been to Mongolia?" I'd say, "Well, no." And if they said, "Well, if I could show you that Mongolia was better than India, would you like to at least have a look at it?" I'd be saying, "Well, yes." And then they've got me, haven't they? So you're not going to win by saying, "Chris, you're wrong." But if you say, "How do you know? Have you looked at other ways of doing this?" Then the other person has to say, 'Well, okay, maybe." So the power of questioning. So what we're doing, we're questioning first of all to understand their position. And then we're questioning to undermine their position a little bit, of are you sure? Now I know that undermining someone's position sounds bad, but all we're doing, we're trying to open them up to at least thinking about other options. Would you be interested in looking at other options if I could show you something good. And the best way to do this is to use probing questions. So this is where you say, "And then what happened. And how did you feel about that?" And then, "What would happen if that didn't happen?" So I think it's really important to become good at questioning, and questioning is just a skill like anything else. Just practice on people. When you're out with your friends tonight, just ask them questions, say, well, "So where did you buy that car? And what other options did you look at? And how do you know there isn't a better one?" And you just asked them questions. It's fascinating when you start to become good at questioning. And what I think is really good about questions, is that they make the other person tell you what their position is. So if I say, "You should give up smoking." You go, "No, I shouldn't." Or, "I don't have to do what you say." But if I can get you to say, "I really ought to give up." That's far more powerful because what I say may or may not be true, but what you say must be true to you. So if you say, "Yeah, I think you're right, I probably should give up the cigarettes." Then that must be true. Or if you say, "Yes, actually, there probably are some other countries that will be worth visiting." Then that is true to you. Or "Yes, maybe I should wear that hygiene hat at work. Yeah, I can see what you mean about the hygiene." Then you've won the argument, haven't you? Because you've got them to say it and it must be true. So step three, is to find out about their position, undermine it a little bit and get them to say that maybe it's worth thinking about other options.