From the course: Communication Foundations (2018)

When you're criticized

From the course: Communication Foundations (2018)

When you're criticized

- You've spent weeks working on a proposal and your client shoots it down. Your boss isn't happy with your performance and let's you know. in this video, we'll look at approaches to use when people push back on our ideas or criticize our work. We'll focus on how we can stand up for ourselves without sounding defensive. First, check your own listening bias. Ask yourself, "Are my mental filters or assumptions creating defensiveness?" Here's an example. I'm driving at rush hour with my husband we're in gridlock traffic and he says, (sighs) "I knew we should've taken the bypass." Now I might react with "Well, how was I supposed to know? Besides, did you think to look at the traffic app before we left?" This response demonstrates a classic intent-impact gap. His intention was simply to commiserate with me about the traffic. My interpretation of his intent is that he blames me for choosing a bad route. So depersonalize and assume positive intent. Second, give yourself time to ponder criticism. A student told me that an assignment I gave was a pointless waste of time. Well, that was hard to hear, but I recognize that the student was frustrated, maybe didn't see the bigger picture or maybe he was right. I needed time to think. So rather than defend or accept as truth, I simply said, "Thank you for the feedback." That's it. Often, all you need to do is say, "Thank you." If you want to say more than thank you, demonstrate empathy. You can also ask questions. Along with recognizing my student's frustration. I could add, "Please tell me what you had hoped to learn and how did this assignment miss the mark for you?" Next, I love the suggestion from Mark Goulston in a "Harvard Business Review" article, to ignore your first two thoughts. The first one is likely to be defensive and the second one is likely to be accusatory. Lead with the third thing that comes to mind because by then, you're focused on problem solving. Do you remember my first response when stuck in traffic? "How was I supposed to know?" That's defensive. My second response, "Did you think to look at the traffic app before we left?" Accusatory, trying to shift blame. My thing third thought and the one I should lead with focuses on solving the problem. Something like, "Is there an alternate route we can take?" Finally, try using, yes and, in conversations when you feel defensive. Yes and, is a tried and true improv comedy trick that allows the conversation to move forward. Let's imagine that Jake criticizes Amanda's resource allocation on a project, He thinks they should have at least one more rep on the team. Amanda resists the urge to personalize this, even though her first thought might be "Well, doesn't he think we can handle this on our own?" She ignores that. Her second thought might be "Well, he's just being lazy and needs to step up." But again, she resists this accusatory thought. Instead, her productive conversation goes something like this. - Amanda, your estimate on time spent on this project is way off and we cannot begin to meet the client's expectation without an additional rep. - Thanks for bringing this to me, Jake, can you tell me a little bit more about your reasoning? - Yeah, we've added a whole lot more channels for this campaign and I would feel a whole lot more confident if we had additional support. - So you're concerned that with the new social media ad we'll need to add an additional rep to cover all of our bases. - Exactly. I mean, that makes sense, right? - Yes, and I want to make sure that we stay focused and on budget. - Use, yes and, to move toward a solution. Now you have the basic dos and don'ts for standing up for yourself without sounding defensive. Let's try them out in the toolkit.

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