From the course: Leadership through Feedback

To excel, you must know your patterns

From the course: Leadership through Feedback

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To excel, you must know your patterns

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- Are you turned off by a loud and boisterous colleague or family member? What if I told you that that's a perfect opportunity to get to know yourself better? We often don't recognize the patterns we have until we come across people who communicate differently from how we do. It may well be your shyness and introversion patterns that set up your negative opinion of and reaction to the more extroverted people in your life. In this lesson, you'll understand why knowing your communication style or patterns is one of the most important steps in communicating in general and is specifically necessary to be effective in both giving and receiving effective feedback. Part of being human is naturally judging your own behaviors and worldviews as good and correct, and another's as some variation of backward and wrong. It stems from your natural tendency to judge yourself based on your intentions and judging others on their actions. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone say in response to negative feedback, "That wasn't my intention." And it's often not only said before, "I'm so sorry," but in place of it. It takes a lot of self-reflection to overcome this. You see, you think loud people are unsophisticated or boarish because that's what was communicated to you in your family. What you see growing up is typically the behavior you mimic, including the belief that this is the right way to behave. The environment you grew up in and your home culture's role in developing your communication values cannot be overstated. In fact, most of our communication patterns are formed by the time we're four years old. We acquire them by watching the big people around us, copying what they do, how they speak and how they navigate the world. Your habits and beliefs were formed over time by continual exposure to thoughts and beliefs. This process happens both consciously and unconsciously and forms neural pathways in your brain so that these thoughts and beliefs are more readily accessible. So in order to see something from another perspective, you literally have to use awareness and intent to overwrite and rewire your neural pathways. Like almost everything else, nothing changes without our self-reflection and increased awareness. Here are some questions you can start with. What were the communication patterns in your environment growing up? What influence do you think they have over your current communication patterns? If someone says to you, "We need to talk," what thoughts go through your mind? What feelings arise, and how do you respond? If someone disagrees with you, what do you typically feel and do? When you have strong ideas and opinions about a topic that is being discussed, do you offer your opinion? If so, how? Until you understand your communication patterns and preferred styles, you will not only be limited in understanding and accepting others, but you'll be less able to modify your communication to others to be more effective. You must first reflect, then take deliberate action to see things from another's vantage point and respond appropriately. So as you're reflecting, decide which of your communication patterns help serve your highest potential, and which of them could use a makeover. Don't let your four-year-old self show up when it should be your present-day self.

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