Tone policing

- I don't know about you, but a phrase I heard a lot from adults when I was growing up was, "Do not use that tone with me!" Honestly, it was mostly my mother who said that, but she was not alone. She was talking about tone policing. It's a new term, but it's been around for a while. Tone policing is insisting that someone else speak in a tone that is comfortable for you, but not necessarily comfortable for them. Here's a common example of tone policing during conflict resolution. You're listening to someone who's telling you about a conflict that they have with you, and suddenly, their voice rises. And you decide that you are not going to listen to them if they continue to have that tone. So you tell them, "I'm sorry, but if you want to resolve this conflict with me, you are going to have to bring it down, calm down, and don't talk to me in that tone." This happens more than you think. And what this does is it stops people from resolving conflicts. There's an important caveat here. When we're talking about tone, there's a distinct relationship between culture and tone. I grew up in a culture where people spoke relatively loud and I got accustomed to speaking relatively loud, especially when there was a conflict. People speak in different tones according to culture and our ears adjust to a certain comfort level. Now, many of us may not be comfortable with a loud tone and we might call that rude versus understanding that it's a cultural norm for some people to speak that way. The reverse is, some people speak in a very soft tone and that may make us uncomfortable because we think that they're being passive and not taking the conflict seriously enough. So be mindful of how you are approaching tone when you're in a conflict. And here are two ways to tell if you are tone policing. First, I want you to look at your body language. Believe it or not, body language can tell us a lot about whether or not we're policing someone's tone. If your body looks like you're uncomfortable with what someone's saying, maybe you raise your eyebrows, maybe you cross your arms, maybe you lean back and make a face, then you could possibly be tone policing because the person is no longer speaking at a tone that's comfortable for you. The second thing is how you respond. If you respond by saying something verbally like, "I don't want that tone used with me." Then you know you are tone policing. Catching yourself tone policing is the first step to helping you change from tone policing to listening through to what people are saying. So I want you to practice catching yourself. First in your head, catch yourself tone policing. Listen to all types of people who speak with different dialects and different tones, and then identify what turns you off about certain tones. Is it that they make you frightened? Is it that they make you think that someone is going to say something that you don't like? Is it that you're just not comfortable listening to them? Try to understand that in yourself. I want you to remember that when you tone police, you make a decision to not listen through tone. If you really want to resolve a conflict, you might have to let the tone go and listen for the content.